Saturday, November 28, 2009

So Thankful

Feeling thankful today, I will try to put words to thoughts and feelings...

My dear friend kept reminding me during those most uncomfortable and wearisome last days of pregnancy that a month from then it would all seem like a dream. And that's where I find myself today. Nearly 4 weeks since the day Sarah was born, already, and it does seem rather dream like to remember those days before she was born. And for that, I am thankful. For dear friends who remind me of truth, I am also thankful. For naptimes and helpful children and a loving husband who lays down his life for his family, I am thankful. For a God who draws near to me as I draw near to Him, I am thankful.
For songs that become a life raft in stormy seas, I am thankful.

Can I lie here in Your arms, Can I lie here in your arms,
My only calm is You, save me....
My only thought is You, save me...
My happiness is You, save me....
It's on David Crowder Band's album Church Music. The first Sunday I was home with Sarah, and exhausted and battling anxiety, I lay on the couch with Sarah sleeping on my chest, while the rest of the family was at church, and felt such peace as I listened to that song. Truly, my only calm is Him. I will always remember that day as special--me and Sarah, in the presence of God.
So many things to be thankful for. So many blessings to count. And Christmas around the corner. The Reason to be thankful. The Reason we are blessed. I look forward to celebrating His birth this year even more than ever.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Almost 2 weeks!

And so, almost 2 weeks later, I am just beginning to get to know this new little person. If she had her way she and I would lounge around on the couch all day, eating and sleeping while the world swirls around us. Naps during the day do not come easy for her...way too much going on in this house of 8. But nighttimes are wonderful--she settles in for the night around 9 or 10 pm, and sleeps for 3 hours or so between feedings. No fussing, just peace. She becomes very animated when brothers and sister talk to her. Lots of open mouth tongue waggling, as if she wants to talk back. Her big eyes zoom around the room as if she wants to take in everything at once, and our afternoon walks outside are soothing for both she and I. I wrap her up in the Moby wrap and we enjoy the fresh air. Juggling the needs of 6 children is proving to be a challenge, especially when trying to keep the world as normal as possible for the 2 year old, once baby, now big brother. But we are settling in, and I have found I can nurse a baby, play "guys" with Matt, and listen to big sister all at once! As a side note, I must say I just do not have the right sound effects to play army guys. If you could have seen the look Matthew gave me when I tried to make machine gun noises. He actually laughed out loud and told me "that's not right". I get points for trying. You'd think I'd have it down now afer 4 boys....
The newborn period has never been an easy one for me. But God has been so near during these last few, difficult weeks. His peace is a whispered prayer away.

Monday, November 9, 2009

I've been delivered! (And so has Sarah B!)

I've been trying for days to figure out where to start on this whole birth story. So many little details I don't want to forget (or would like to record for posterity's sake, and then quickly forget..). From the middle of my pregnancy on I was determined to go into labor feeling strong, confident, full of faith and believing that fear had no place in this labor process I was heading toward. I read books about deliveries where women were laughing rather than screaming, where women actually had painless labors and I really was excited to see how God might work some of those wonderful things out for me. My reality was slightly different, because, ironically, I experienced the most fear and anxiety at the end of this pregnancy than I had ever before. I have never had to fight so hard for peace in all my life. Second by second at times needing to lift my eyes to God for the strength necessary to do the next thing. And so, after many sleepless nights, on the morning of Wednesday November 4, I started walking...and praying. I was determined that this baby would not spend another whole day inside of my body. Contractions came and went throughout the morning, like they had been for days. I tried napping, but the contractions only became stronger--sleep was ever elusive. At about 2pm, the contractions changed to be more regular, a little stronger, and by 2:30 pm I called Ken and the Birth Center. I had a feeling this was it. We arrived at the Birth Center at around 4:15 pm, at which time my contractions slowed and nearly stopped..too many people watching, and monitors make me nervous. When the midwife checked my progress at around 5, I was only 4cm, and not totally effaced, which was, to say the least, scary and discouraging. Looking at the clock, I started to become anxious again. How long would this last? So I made my request known to God (so that His peace would guard my heart and mind...) Could we be done by 8pm? I can hold out til then. And there I left it. As I continued walking, the contractions came more steadily. As long as the nurses left me alone, things seemed to move along nicely. And then, at around 7 or so, the contractions became almost overwhelming. I started asking about pain medication. I needed Ken to rub my back. A little while later I was having contractions that didn't seem to end....another would begin before the first one ended. These were the most intense contractions I've ever had. Another request, mumbled out loud, "God, I need a break." And then, it was time to push. I told Ken he better find a nurse. They came in the room, and I could hear the doubt in their voices. It was too soon... And then, the break I had requested. The contractions slowed, and pushing brought relief. Sarah was born at 7:29 pm, a full half hour before the time I had prayed about. And all the time I spent praying during labor created a very peaceful environment in the room. One nurse told me I inspired her to have another baby, I made it look so easy. The midwife kissed my cheek. And there she was, our Baby 6. Perfect and beautiful and....what sweet relief!