Goodbye, my friend

My friend died yesterday.  Or maybe it would be more accurate to say she was healed of brain cancer, just not on this side of heaven. I had the privilege of spending Tuesday afternoons with her for the past several months.  We mostly just visited, with me sharing the day to day joys and struggles of being a mom of 6 with a slightly older wiser mom of 2.  But sometimes we shared more--digging into the deeper issues of life, and God, and pain.  Audrey was my Sunday School teacher, when I was a teenager, and my first camp counselor.  She was smart and funny and independent and strong and fearless and creative and encouraging and I loved her.  I love her.  As the tumor in her brain grew, and medications became necessary, the side effects made her self-conscious; as if the outward effect of steroids could somehow mar the beauty of her as a person.  I told her she was beautiful every time I visited.  Because she was.  In this last month, my visits became more frequent, and they were less about visiting, and more about managing...."what did she eat last, was she hungry, thirsty, did she need lotion, go ahead and nap, how about I empty that catheter bag"? I wish I had had the foresight to get a picture of Audrey and I together before the effects of steroids took their toll.  Some memories we must just treasure in our hearts.  I will miss Tuesdays with Audrey.  But I'm glad she's free of that body that would not cooperate anymore.

I can't wait to see her again someday.

Rest in peace, Audrey.  I enjoyed our friendship immensely.

Carpe Diem

When we returned to the car from our hike up Dripping Springs, everyone tired and hungry and thirsty and such, the boys got talking about the mountain we were sitting at the base of, and how long it would take to climb, what kind of equipment you might need. The mountains in NM have this strange way of seeming so far away but so close at the same time. Ken was thinking it would take hours with special equipment. Jon thought it would be easy. And away he ran. To climb a mountain. And Andrew joined him. The first hill took them about 5 minutes. The summit took about 20. Round trip was about 45 breath-taking, heart stopping, exhilarating minutes. I think we should live life like that.

Seizing opportunities before they slip through our fingers.

The mountain they climbed, they stood on the top of the tall one

Top of first hill

If you look closely you can see them in the center, Jon's red shirt just a dot, almost to the top. My heart was in my throat--how dangerous was this? Snakes? Loose rocks?

Ken kept asking where they were. He couldn't see them. I could just barely see them through the lens of the camera. And then....

6,000 feet above sea level

We cheered and whooped and couldn't believe they made it to the top! Three cheers for a

can-do attitude!

NM Vacation 2012

One of my favorite places in all the world, White Sands, NM. The sky is so immense, beauty surrounds and overwhelms...God feels so near...

Cousins make life infinitely more rich...

as do sisters..

A pleasantly surprised Aunt Linda and a suddenly snuggly Sarah..

Cutest sisters in all the world ride a dinosaur at the Creation Museum in Kentucky..

A hike up to Dripping Springs...another one of my absolute favorite places to be...

A picture (that I actually like) of myself ..

Dripping Springs--there was snow and ice in the cold shadow of the mountain--and cactus off the trail, where Jon decided it was more exciting to hike!

Ken stacks some rocks

Hiking with a 25 pound squirmy toddler....

Tennessee Aquarium

Fridays are for...

smiling and remembering...

this bird weighed more than Sarah! No wonder she was afraid of it!

giving thanks...(because Thanksgiving isn't an event, it's a mindset)

slowly washing and putting away the last of the dishes...

pie for breakfast, and maybe lunch, too...

planning family vacation...

dreaming up Christmas surprises...

and leftovers.

this is what the drumstick from a 30 lb turkey looks like!

Fridays are for....

cleaning up the countless spills of a tired toddler

hot tea and Words with Friends

horse dreams with Emma

listening to Jon practicing guitar

Bible stories with young ones

meeting new people

devouring good books about the goodness of God

and pizza.

Playoffs, y'all!

JonnyB, #5

I never used to like football. The rules-- like undecipherable code. The play--run for 20 seconds, then stop. Run for 30 seconds, then stop. Huddles and time outs and crazy referee hand signals...I just could never understand it enough to enjoy it. But that was before it was my boy lunging down the field with 2 guys on his legs and one on his back, fighting like mad to get at least one more yard, or lunging through the air to hit the opponent with the ball. Now one of my favorite weekend past times is watching football games in the cold air with the boys I can yell the names of as they sprint down the field or take somebody down. What fun I am having watching Jon and his football team make history in the playoffs!

Playoffs, y'all! (And I'm not even from Texas!)

I now have such a respect for the sport of football. The discipline, teamwork, camaraderie...it builds character like no other sport I know. And the sense of community you feel with the other crazy, yelling parents who run up and down the field is so rich! I'll be honest, I actually got choked up the other day as I watched Jon's teammate make touchdown #2 in their first ever playoff game. I've watched these boys, and this coach for 4 years lose game after game, and not give up. It's so like life, if you just keep walking, steady and faithful, you will eventually make it to the finish line, or the end zone. ;)

Not to sound weird or anything, but I feel God's pleasure when I watch Jon play. Like he's smiling at the son He made so strong, so persistent, so focused. I don't know how long football will be a part of Jon's life, and our life. But we will enjoy it, for however long it lasts. Looking over the photos from that day, I'm struck by the sense of team and loyalty needed for those boys to throw themselves into the opposing team players to protect their man with the ball. Sometimes they are protecting Jon. And sometimes Jon is throwing his body into someone to protect his buddy.....taking one for the team, as they say. There's probably a lesson in there about loving our neighbors and bearing one another's burdens, or helping other people reach the goal (endzone) because if they succeed, we win, too, but sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words.

Next weekend, second game of the playoffs. And I wouldn't miss it for anything!

What's your song?

I think God fills each of us with a soul song as He knits us in the womb. It's like the murmurations of the starlets, the crackle of water on rocks at low tide, the way the colors of autumn flash all aflame at sunrise. It's a song of praise from created to Creator which can only be heard when we are completely ourselves....being who God made us to be. Some may use voices, but many others sing in a different way.

Some use their feet as they go...

Some use wood and metal as they build...

Some use their minds or their words or their bodies...

And some use sticks...

Ken came home with this huge metal tank, and it didn't take long for the drummers in this house to figure out what it's real use was..

Sometimes, when I listen close with ears not made of flesh, I can hear the song of the people around me..the soul song that fills my heart and calls to me to sing, too.

When we, His creations, are as The Creator intended, it's like a love song to Him.

All of us, singing together, our lives set apart for Him.

Fridays are for...

catching up on...

laundry

blogs I love (that list of lovely ladies to the right!)

books that bless (Give Them Grace by Elyse Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson)

chores that get pushed off (read: finding a home for all of the toy weapons, lego pieces, and marker caps that have accumulated all week)

and Halloween Oreos.

Truth is...

I frequently feel like I'm less than I could be,

or should be...

I worry and yell and fret and stew when I know I should pray and breathe and believe and forgive...

Truth is, I still need a savior. And so do you. Because we all fall short, and Jesus makes us complete. Wholly saved, wholly loved, wholly whole.

These days, I'm longing to really understand the Gospel... the Good News...

Father so loved..

Jesus came...

He died..

He rose..

And covers me in grace.

Click here.

Cry.

Repeat.

Fridays are for...

turning 2...

waiting..

exploring..

contemplating..

discovering...

wrestling...

wishing...

and appreciating...

Writing exercises for me

FOR TODAY

Outside my window...Green grass, blue sky, frost touched wilted plant.

I am thinking...that if I understood how much God loves me my perspective on life would radically change.

I am thankful...for freedom and friends.

From the learning rooms...IEW writing assignments, World History, My Father's Dragon.

In the kitchen...defrosting beef for spaghetti sauce.

I am wearing... Blue jeans, pink and purple.

I am creating...a vacation plan for Christmas in NM.

I am going...to wish I had spent this time cleaning rather than goofing off!!

I am wondering...how to better organize our small cluttered spaces.

I am reading...The Singer Trilogy by Calvin Miller.

I am hoping...my books from CBD will come soon!

I am looking forward to...watching Jon and his team play in the pop warner play-offs!

I am hearing...Sarah play with toys at the dining room table, PBS.

Around the house...Crumb laden floors and counters, laundry that needs to be folded, books strewn about...

I am pondering...God's grace and a gospel centered life.

One of my favorite things...brothers and sisters playing like friends.

A few plans for the rest of the week...co-op, Sarah's 2cd birthday.

Take a look at the other lovely daybooks .

Halloween 2011

Costumes

(Emma Bekah and Chris were there too, but somehow escaped the camera!)

Candy

Community

Friends

Participating in Schoharie's Trunk or Treat last night was so much fun! Because the village is still rebuilding after major flooding in August, the community came together along Main Street with decorated car trunks and hay wagons. I realize that Halloween is not without controversy, but honestly, I just love hanging out with the neighbors. It's such a friendly day! We decorated our trunk with mums and pumpkins and had a blast, and I hope the Trick or Trunk becomes a tradition here. Where we live, I never get to give out candy. In fact, the first year we went trick or treating, we made little paper pumpkins that said "God loves you" and taped a piece of candy on them, and gave them out to the people we visited along the way, because I just want to be one of the candy givers.

Last night, we gave away lots of candy.

And collected lots, too. :)

We also managed to get on the local news...

Kids Trunk-or-Treat in Schoharie - YNN, Your News Now

Fridays are for....

Snow play (in October?!)

Hot cocoa

Cozying on couches and reading books

Baking cookies

and apparently,

wrestling matches.

Wish I had a camera--it's WWF in here.

And they don't even know what that is!

Community

For days they worked together under falling foliage and gray October skies.

So close in age, they are each other's best friends and worst enemies, depending on the mood and situation. And for four glorious days, they were best friends. Tirelessly they planned and pushed and pulled and lifted, working, this team of two. They solved problems and shared ideas, and reluctantly took a break when the day was done, only after promises had been made that they could get back to it first thing in the morning.

Then, finally...

The Fort.

And then they played. All day. For days on end. They built it together, and neither wanted to be there without the other. It was a shared ownership. They bonded while building and then shared the fruit of their labor.

It has me thinking about "community". How building something with someone ties a bond, builds a bridge....Connects people. And people connecting with people is what community is all about. There are verses in the Bible about how two people are better than one, that a cord of three is not easily broken, about how God can't help but bless a place where unity dwells. When we work together for a common purpose, it ties us together, makes us stronger, brings a blessing. And I think the key is a shared ownership in the thing being built. When we own the vision, enthusiasm is natural. No kick in the pants needed.

Our town is rebuilding after an historic flood at the end of August decimated 80% of the village of Schoharie. People are coming together, volunteering their time and energies, and our town is stronger because of a shared ownership of vision and purpose--restoration of homes and businesses and helping people get back on their feet. It's almost 2 months later, and enthusiasm to help is growing.

Community.

There is also a Kingdom that needs building. But it's not made of wood and stone. It's made of people. Flawed people, messy people, hurting people, just-like-me people who all need Jesus as much as I do. The tools we use are not hammers and and saws, but grace and love.

And while we're working side by side, day after day, we can build one another up and share one another's burdens. Neither will want to be there without the other. We'll share ownership, bond while building, and enjoy the fruits of our labors-connections with people, connection with God.

That, dear friends, sounds like community.

Aren't they cute?

Ordinary Friday

I've come to realize that ordinary and extraordinary are inextricably linked.

The day my husband proposed to me was just an ordinary day, until...

the day my parents separated was ordinary until...

the day I found out I was pregnant (each of 6 times!) was ordinary until...

the day my mother-in-law stopped breathing was ordinary until...

Extraordinary.

I have swung the pendulum from bored and ungrateful, drowning in hum-drum to overwhelmed and anxious, and just...well...drowning, and every category of ordinary or extraordinary in between. Too many ordinary days in a row and I can't stand the monotony. Too many extraordinary days and I'm begging for some peace and routine.

Can you say "fickle"?

Here's the thing...I can't appreciate the happy extraordinary days and I can't recuperate from the sad extraordinary days without the ordinary ones. (And really, can't every day take on an extraordinary flavor when I open my eyes to the gifts all around?)

I savor the ordinary more these days. Thankful for the peace and calm, and confident that at any moment, an ordinary day can become extraordinary.

Trying something new with a friend.

Ocean breezes, happy little mums...

For Christmas in 2008, I gave Ken a gift certificate for a B&B in Newport, RI. We finally got around to using it this month. What a delightful 3 days and 2 nights we spent, just the two of us. Uninterrupted conversations (anyone with little ones knows what that's like), no need to hurry anywhere, no routines to keep, so restful. We were spared the devastation of the recent flood, but were still feeling the stress of such sadness by so many we know and care for, the weight of the job of rebuilding a village. A get away was so needed by both of us.

A trip to the ocean is better than any therapy I know. The thundering sound of wave on shore, the musical sound of water as it dances between pebbles, hair blown wild with sea breeze and salt, the utter enormity of ocean spanning as far as the eye can see, is a treat for my senses, and instant relaxation. While there I am reminded how small I am, how big He is, and there are places beyond my everyday world that call to me, invite me to dream.

I could sit in the sun, drinking in the expanse of blue sky, glittering sun on rolling waves, forever.

I'm challenged afresh to keep my eyes open to the wonder and beauty of all that God has made. He didn't have to make the world so breathtaking. It's as if all of creation is a page from a love letter from Father, to us. And a trip to the ocean is not necessary--I just need to open my eyes to the wonder all around. Even in a flood damaged village, happy little mums can lift the spirit and soothe the soul.

I'll be setting some on my porch real soon.

Light of the Son

The early mists of morning are gray and cool. It's comfortable to walk and pray in those first few moments of daylight, waiting. And as the sun slowly peeks up over the horizon the greens and golds and reds and purples of trees and flowers and clover explode into a symphony for the eyes. Nothing has changed, except that now there is a reflection of sun off of the objects around me.

A reflection of sun.

The beauty we can see in this world is because of the rays of light from the sun.

A reflection of Son.

The only beauty I can ever offer the world is because of the rays of light from the Son.

"He must increase, but I must decrease." John 3:30

In Chapter 9 of One Thousand Gifts, Ann Voskamp says

"Humby let go. Let go of trying to do, let go of trying to control...let go of my own way, let go of my own fears. Let God blow His wind, His trials, oxygen for joy's fire. Leave the hand open and be. Be at peace. Bend the knee and be small and let God give what God chooses to give because He only gives love and whisper surprised thanks.

This is the fuel for joy's flame."

That He may shine more brightly....

#161-170, and counting...

~Shedding pounds

~New confidence in Christ

~A husband who listens

~Life changing books

~Justification

~Sanctification

~Emma on a horse

~Wind through willow

~ The first cucumber

~The cross

Building....

"Thanks is what builds trust.....Count blessings and discover Who can be counted on."

~Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts

Give thanks to the Lord of lords.

His faithful love endures forever.

Give thanks to Him who alone does mighty miracles.

His faithful love endures forever.

Give thanks to Him who made the heavens so skillfully.

His faithful love endures forever.

Give thanks to Him who placed the earth among the waters.

His faithful love endures forever.

Give thanks to Him who made the heavenly lights-

His faithful love endures forever.

Psalm 136:3-7

Building trust, with #121-130, and counting...

~Fuzzy chicks

~Smiley husband

~Bunk beds

~Dan and Matt playing nicely

~Bonfire and hot dogs after church

~Sharing popsicles with sick friends

~Walks and talks with Dee

~Uninterrupted moments in my garden

~Farming dreams

~Walking outside without a coat

Turning it around...

In chapter 6 of One Thousand Gifts, Ann Voskamp says,

"The world I live in is loud and blurring and toilets plug and I get speeding tickets and the dog gets sick all over the back step and I forget everything and these six kids lean hard into me all day to teach and raise and lead and I fail hard and there are real souls that are at stake and how long do I really have to figure out how to live full of grace, full of joy--before these six beautiful children fly the coop and my mothering days fold up quiet?

How do you open the eyes to see how to take the daily, domestic, workday vortex and invert it into the dome of an everyday cathedral?

Praying with eyes wide open is the only way to pray without ceasing."

Thanking God today for # 51-60

~Worship music

~Pics of my hardworking guys in FL

~Fractured twinkle of star in early morning window

~Sun peeping over the horizon

~Night of peace

~Washer and dryer

~Clean bedding

~Wonder on Matt's face as he raced from exhibit to exhibit at the NY State Museum

~Reconnecting with loved ones

~Honest conversation

Thankful on a Monday

I'm always amazed by the way God speaks to me through the circumstances and people around me, through the books I read or music I listen to, through the prayers of His people or the Word that comes forth from the man of God's mouth. If I'm careful to look for it, I can find a single thread, the main idea, the thesis of the chapter I'm about to enter into. For months now, God's grace, eucharisteo, and my need to live a thankful life, are the main idea. Ann Voskamp says, in chapter 5 of her book One Thousand Gifts, after her young son put his hand through a barn fan,

"God is always good, and I am always loved. Everything is eucharisteo. Because eucharisteo is how Jesus, at the Last Supper, showed us to transfigure all things--take the pain that is given, give thanks for it, and transform it into a joy that fulfills all emptiness. I have glimpsed it: This, the hard eucharisteo. The hard discipline to lean into the ugly and whisper thanks to transfigure it into beauty. The hard discipline to give thanks for all things at all times because He is all good. The hard discipline to number the griefs as grace because as the surgeon would cut open my son's finger to heal him, so God chooses to cut into my ungrateful heart to make me whole.

All is grace only because all can transfigure."

Challenges come, the storms do blow. People get sick, loved ones die, words sting, choices devestate. We pray, but the outcomes are not always what we pray for, what we hope for. But all can transfigure, and all is grace, and we can thank in the midst of the hard, the difficult, the scary or overwhelming circumstances we find ourselves in.

#41-50, and counting...

~So many friends willing to help

~Toddler talk

~Emma and her bunnies

~The way he doesn't want to go without me

~"Why are you so beautiful?"

~"I love you". Everyday. Faithfully.

~Hot showers

~Sisters-in-law

~Sending kids outside

~Fresh baked chocolate chip cookies