Where's Oma?

As I tucked Matthew in tonight, he asked, "Where's Oma?" It's a question he asks me sometimes once a day, sometimes once a week.

"In heaven," I answer, tears just under the surface of my words.

"Oh." And he rolls over and closes his eyes.

He asks the question that is on all of our minds.

"Where is Oma?" A redundant question, really, for we all know the answer. She's in heaven, with her Father, a comforting fact, to be sure. But what we really are wanting to know is, why isn't she here? All I could think on Saturday at her memorial service is how much she would have loved it. Her whole family at church together, with dainty morsels and strawberries and coffee to enjoy with friends afterward! And all on her birthday. It was the perfect day....except she was missing and we all felt like she should be walking in the door any minute. How could she possibly be gone?

Reminders of her are everywhere...a wooden spoon, a favorite mug, her pin cushion and notebooks-right where she left them, awaiting the return that was not to be. It's all different now. Which is not bad, I know. But it's also not easy.

"Oma died." Daniel says out loud, less often now than when it was fresh and raw.

"Yes, I know sweetie." It's as if he needs to remind himself. Saying it out loud makes it real. Because it is a bit surreal. Life is odd without Oma. And I know we will see her again.

But it's not easy.

Many hands make light work..

chives in the foreground, will bloom any day

nothing like a yard just after mowing--so clean

I discovered something yesterday. I actually like gardening. As in, truly enjoy it. But for a long time now I thought I didn't. What I don't like, is starting and stopping a gardening project. Like what you have to do when a young one is helping, or the baby needs to nurse, or the phone rings, or it's time to make dinner, or.....well, you get the picture. Once my hands are dirty-- I just want them to stay dirty until the job is done. I was delighted to finally make that distinction. So I spent yesterday afternoon in my rock garden, where I nursed a hungry baby (literally sitting in the dirt), directed helpers, and visited with various children as they came to check things out or lend a hand. And after 2 hours of gloriously uninterrupted work, the rock garden now has a new look. As does the yard. Everyone pitched in yesterday to beautify things around here. Andrew and Ken mowed, Jon whacked some weeds and planted flowers, Emma and Matthew cleaned up toys, picked out flowers, helped me weed. The satisfaction felt after spending the afternoon working together as a family was felt by all. With ice cream to round out the day.

Oma 1930-2010

She was a beautiful German woman who spoke English and Spanish and relished Chinese food. She loved the color green, poetry and naps in the afternoon. She collected buttons and painted beautiful flowers with watercolors. She treated me like a daughter, and welcomed each new grandchild with the love and enthusiasm that marks a person who values life. Her faith was an inspiration to many, and the reason her children walk with God. Always ready for a good political discussion, Oma would engage whoever would be willing in a lively discussion about the issues of the day. She taught Emma how to cut a carrot, how to set a table, and how to sew a sock. She taught me how to make cole slaw, how to be more thrifty, how to be hospitable. She taught Ken how to work, and he is now teaching our boys how to work. Her hands were never idle, and our home is blessed with the beautiful rugs she made out of what others deemed rags. All were welcome at her table and Saturday hamburgers were a delicious tradition. She was the center of every family gathering, and always made sure we started with prayer.

Life will not be the same without her. From the time my kids have been able to walk, they have all marched down to Oma's to find something interesting to do. And they were never disappointed. She's been a friend and a mother, and I will miss the way she doted on me. One look in my eyes and she could tell if I was feeling under the weather, or sad, or just tired. I will miss our conversations about God and faith. I will miss her smile and her soft, warm cheek. I wish I could have kissed it one last time.

I love you, Oma. Enjoy your well-deserved rest with your heavenly Father.

Sarah

She talks to me. Not with words, but with a turn of the head, a raised eyebrow, the stiffening of her little body, a cry. I'm certain the others must have talked to me, too. But this time, I think I'm a better listener. Last night she told me she wanted a bath, not a meal. This morning, at 5 am, when I really just wanted to lay my head down on my pillow, she told me it was time to play, with her gigantic toothless smile and a body turned toward the doorway of my bedroom. So downstairs we went, to enjoy each other's quiet company before the bustle of the day. She is a wonderful communicator, and there is very little crying throughout the day, if I slow down long enough to be a good listener. 10 weeks old now, and these are the things I love about her:

**she wakes up happy, ready for smiles and pleasant conversation

** she saves her best stories for her Papa

**she has the most gorgeous rolls on her little legs

**her head smells like heaven

**she adores her brothers and sister

**she pedals her feet like crazy when she's excited

**she has found her hands, and sucks them, looks at them and bops herself in the face with them, with utmost concentration and joy

**she snuggles

**she sleeps (at least at night and when we are home!)

** she no longer screams in the car

**her sweet, sweaty little hands

I find myself lingering over her crib when she's taking an extra long nap, snuggling with her before laying her down in her crib at night, even enjoying the early morning quiet times we share in spite of the lack of sleep it means for me....what a blessing!

Getting to know her...

Only 7 weeks old, and already Sarah has enormous personality. Big eyes, looking surprised and delighted all the time, wander around the room, from face to face, and light up with the smile that erupts when she spies another smiling face looking her way. She loves people, and will carry on conversations with Ken that make even me jealous. Just a few short weeks ago, water on skin made her scream, but now bath time is a favorite part of her routine. I can finally tell the difference between hunger cry and tired cry, and she has fallen into a nice rhythm of naps and awake time, with very little crying in between. The car seat is not her favorite place to be, and bumpy car rides make her startle and cry over....and over...and over.

She likes when Emma sings to her.

She straightens out her body real stiff when she wants you to pick her up.

Loud noises make her cry.

I am enjoying getting to know this new little person.

So Thankful

Feeling thankful today, I will try to put words to thoughts and feelings...

My dear friend kept reminding me during those most uncomfortable and wearisome last days of pregnancy that a month from then it would all seem like a dream. And that's where I find myself today. Nearly 4 weeks since the day Sarah was born, already, and it does seem rather dream like to remember those days before she was born. And for that, I am thankful. For dear friends who remind me of truth, I am also thankful. For naptimes and helpful children and a loving husband who lays down his life for his family, I am thankful. For a God who draws near to me as I draw near to Him, I am thankful.
For songs that become a life raft in stormy seas, I am thankful.

Can I lie here in Your arms, Can I lie here in your arms,

My only calm is You, save me....

My only thought is You, save me...

My happiness is You, save me....

It's on David Crowder Band's album Church Music. The first Sunday I was home with Sarah, and exhausted and battling anxiety, I lay on the couch with Sarah sleeping on my chest, while the rest of the family was at church, and felt such peace as I listened to that song. Truly, my only calm is Him. I will always remember that day as special--me and Sarah, in the presence of God.

So many things to be thankful for. So many blessings to count. And Christmas around the corner. The Reason to be thankful. The Reason we are blessed. I look forward to celebrating His birth this year even more than ever.

Almost 2 weeks!

And so, almost 2 weeks later, I am just beginning to get to know this new little person. If she had her way she and I would lounge around on the couch all day, eating and sleeping while the world swirls around us. Naps during the day do not come easy for her...way too much going on in this house of 8. But nighttimes are wonderful--she settles in for the night around 9 or 10 pm, and sleeps for 3 hours or so between feedings. No fussing, just peace. She becomes very animated when brothers and sister talk to her. Lots of open mouth tongue waggling, as if she wants to talk back. Her big eyes zoom around the room as if she wants to take in everything at once, and our afternoon walks outside are soothing for both she and I. I wrap her up in the Moby wrap and we enjoy the fresh air. Juggling the needs of 6 children is proving to be a challenge, especially when trying to keep the world as normal as possible for the 2 year old, once baby, now big brother. But we are settling in, and I have found I can nurse a baby, play "guys" with Matt, and listen to big sister all at once! As a side note, I must say I just do not have the right sound effects to play army guys. If you could have seen the look Matthew gave me when I tried to make machine gun noises. He actually laughed out loud and told me "that's not right". I get points for trying. You'd think I'd have it down now afer 4 boys....
The newborn period has never been an easy one for me. But God has been so near during these last few, difficult weeks. His peace is a whispered prayer away.