Reaching up, reaching out

There are probably 101 possible explanations for why, on a sunny day last October my heart started fluttering like I was next in line for the spelling bee, and I was unable to fall asleep though my body was utterly exhausted and my mind was longing for the sweet nothing of slumber. I've wondered a thousand times where the anxiety came from, and why I suddenly felt so utterly overwhelmed by life, and the fear of death. For two months there was darkness. despair. sleeplessness. fear. I clung to God during those days when time seemed to stand still. When I watched the clock go from 3:23 am, to 3:24 am, 3;25 am.....He was my strong tower, though there were times when I wondered if He was with me. If maybe I was losing my mind. If I would ever feel happiness again. His Word was truly a lamp to my feet and light to my path as I blindly tried to find my way out of the tunnel, and sometimes I would find my way by following Ken's voice as he prayed and spoke comforting words through the darkest times of night. I found strength in knowing the people who love me were praying, sometimes through the night as they found themselves awake to care for little ones. It was one of the hardest things I've ever gone through. And I still don't understand why it happened. But I found out last Thursday that God can use that valley in my life for His glory. As I sat with a mom, about my age, at a petting zoo in Florida, who described to the smallest detail the hell she was living. The darkness. despair. sleeplessness. fear. And I could say there was hope. It will end. She'll get through it. She's not losing her mind. And that God helped me. He can help her, too. She was uncomfortable then, and our conversation ended abruptly. But as she walked away she told me she had such peace after our conversation. And I told her I would pray for her. And I have. And I will. And I believe God will reach down His saving Hand, the Hand that is not too short, and pull her out of the darkness, and she will know it is Him who saves. Is that the reason I went through such darkness of soul? So I could one day sit across from a 39 year old mom of 5 and say, "You're going to make it, and this is how I know?" I don't know the answer to that. What I do know is, our lives are not our own. They are His. And we go through things we may not ever understand. But as we gain ground and firm footing on these jagged slopes of life, we can turn and stretch a hand to another who could use some help. Some grace. Some love.

Isn't that something? God brought me all the way to Kissimmee, Florida to talk heart to heart with a dear woman named Molly. If you think of it, would you say a prayer for her today?

The word for 2011

In our house, building with Legos is a contact sport. Dinner can be a three ring circus, or a variety show, depending on the mood of the performers. And bedtime is an extravaganza of stories and guys and music and song and water and more water and "can you sit with me for a few minutes more?" Laundry piles waist high, dishes up to the elbows, and let's not even mention the hand prints, nose prints and tongue(!) prints on the windows! Most mornings start with warm snuggles in our bed, which inevitably ends in wild wrestling and possibly tears. Constant motion. High emotion. Active minds. Passionate hearts. Life is a whirlwind of babies and young men and all the in between and coming and going and meals and books and music and dreams and plans and work and friends and church and.....sometimes I'm overwhelmed. But today I'm taking a step closer to grateful.

Grateful.

Thankful.

For a husband who's a friend and can laugh along with me

For healthy kids who are strong enough to tackle each other, and, apparently, lick the windows...

For the house which is the home where food is plenty and dishes to the elbow mean we eat well

For dreams that have been dreamed, and the ones still yet to be

For passion that fuels vision

For books and plans and work and church

For friends and sisters who share their journey

I've picked a word to mark this year, inspired by this.

Gratitude.

I'm trying it on. Right now it's a bit long in the sleeves. I confess I've not been too liberal with my thanking. Here's to a new year marked with a long list of Thank yous to the One who gives me hope. This verse has been a lifeline through many of the trials in my life. But I don't think I ever paid enough attention to the words in bold...til now.

"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." Phillipians 4:6-7