I've been delivered! (And so has Sarah B!)

I've been trying for days to figure out where to start on this whole birth story. So many little details I don't want to forget (or would like to record for posterity's sake, and then quickly forget..). From the middle of my pregnancy on I was determined to go into labor feeling strong, confident, full of faith and believing that fear had no place in this labor process I was heading toward. I read books about deliveries where women were laughing rather than screaming, where women actually had painless labors and I really was excited to see how God might work some of those wonderful things out for me. My reality was slightly different, because, ironically, I experienced the most fear and anxiety at the end of this pregnancy than I had ever before. I have never had to fight so hard for peace in all my life. Second by second at times needing to lift my eyes to God for the strength necessary to do the next thing. And so, after many sleepless nights, on the morning of Wednesday November 4, I started walking...and praying. I was determined that this baby would not spend another whole day inside of my body. Contractions came and went throughout the morning, like they had been for days. I tried napping, but the contractions only became stronger--sleep was ever elusive. At about 2pm, the contractions changed to be more regular, a little stronger, and by 2:30 pm I called Ken and the Birth Center. I had a feeling this was it. We arrived at the Birth Center at around 4:15 pm, at which time my contractions slowed and nearly stopped..too many people watching, and monitors make me nervous. When the midwife checked my progress at around 5, I was only 4cm, and not totally effaced, which was, to say the least, scary and discouraging. Looking at the clock, I started to become anxious again. How long would this last? So I made my request known to God (so that His peace would guard my heart and mind...) Could we be done by 8pm? I can hold out til then. And there I left it. As I continued walking, the contractions came more steadily. As long as the nurses left me alone, things seemed to move along nicely. And then, at around 7 or so, the contractions became almost overwhelming. I started asking about pain medication. I needed Ken to rub my back. A little while later I was having contractions that didn't seem to end....another would begin before the first one ended. These were the most intense contractions I've ever had. Another request, mumbled out loud, "God, I need a break." And then, it was time to push. I told Ken he better find a nurse. They came in the room, and I could hear the doubt in their voices. It was too soon... And then, the break I had requested. The contractions slowed, and pushing brought relief. Sarah was born at 7:29 pm, a full half hour before the time I had prayed about. And all the time I spent praying during labor created a very peaceful environment in the room. One nurse told me I inspired her to have another baby, I made it look so easy. The midwife kissed my cheek. And there she was, our Baby 6. Perfect and beautiful and....what sweet relief!

fear vs faith

The pedulum swings back and forth between fear and faith...at any given moment I find myself faced with the fact that any day now I could be experiencing some of the worst pain of my life, and then fighting to swing back to faith, which tells me I can do anything when God is with me, because He gives me strength. I'm thankful that this time I spend more time on the faith end of the swing, but the fear continues to sneak in. If I could fast forward to that moment when baby has finally been born and the euphoria I feel once all is done, I would. But I wonder, would it be the same without all the work before hand? Probably not. And so, I will continue to resist fear, and rest in the peace God has for me. Looking forward to the moment I'll see this little one's face, hear her cry, hold her close.

Now, if I could just get her to stop sitting on my spine....

Happy Birthday, Emma!

8 years ago, Ken and I were blessed to finally hold our Emma, our girl. What a delightful and refreshing influence she has had on this household of boys! So motherly to the youngest, ever helpful, and she doesn't miss ANYTHING! Soon to be big sister to a little sister, and so excited to share her room with her sister. Ken and I feel so blessed, so rich. Thank you Lord, for sending us our Emma.

Goodbye, Again

I'm convinced now that September's beautiful weather was just for Oma. She left yesterday, and the weather seems to be mourning her departure as much as we are. I've been caught off guard by how easily the tears flow this year when I think that it will be almost a whole year before we see Oma and Grandpa again. I'm sure the pregnancy hormones don't help. The children and I have enjoyed the free flow between our houses, like they are extensions of one another. Even Matthew was in the habit of saying, "Me down Oma's" as he marched down the driveway, alone, at times. He loves helping "jampa" make a "hot" in the woodstove.

We already miss them.

I'm alive!

I'm here. I'm just finding it hard to put anything into words during this season of waiting and preparing. 5 weeks to go. If I could make it all happen today, I probably would.....

Book review, school review

Just finished reading a very entertaining book called Free Range Kids by Lenore Skenazy. Dubbed "America's Worst Mom" by the media a year ago or so for allowing her 9 year old son to navigate his way back home, all by himself, from Bloomingdales (they live in NY City) using public transportation, she decided to write a book to encourage parents to stop making decisions based in fear and hysteria, and start giving their kids the same freedoms that they grew up with. Walking to school, playing on the playground (unsupervised!), staying home alone, bike rides, trips to the store...she includes the real statistics on how likely it is your child is to be abducted by a stranger (1 in 1.5 million), crime rates (going down), and explains how the media is to blame for some of the fear and hysteria we battle. Loved this book---it even includes steps to take to become more "Free Range". Very funny.

Week two of homeschool is going almost smoothly. Big guys are doing great....medium gal needs a little help...little ones fight like cats and dogs....but in all---I'm finding it is doable. And I'm learning to delegate...alot! The chores I picked for the kids to do are the ones that take up most of my time--vaccuming, dishes, bathroom cleaning. Which frees me up to do more reading with children, playing and .....sitting (come on, I'm 8 months pregnant!) And this chorus from a song I love is helping me keep my perspective:

All of my life

In every season

You are still God

I have a reason to sing

I have a reason to worship.

This is a somewhat challenging season in my life. And I'm thankful for the Reason I have to sing.

And so it begins...

another school year. In spite of feeling unprepared and scatter brained, I made up a short schedule for each of the kids. Everyone has done some math, handwriting, and reading. Andrew a little more. And within 5 minutes of beginning I was having the, "I will not fight with you--I will send you to school where you can fight with your teacher..." conversation. It's with fear and trembling that I begin this school year. Keeping track of grades 10, 5, 3 and K...with toddler to occupy and newborn on the way...I can honestly say I'm not sure how to do it. How it's going to work. If it's going to work. One day at a time, right?