Thankful on a Monday

"Yesterday morning, the morning before, all these mornings, I wake to the discontent of life in my skin. I wake to self-hatred. To the wrestle to get it all done, the relentless anxiety that I am failing. Always, the failing. I yell at children, fester with bitterness, forget doctor appointments, lose library books, live selfishly, skip prayer, complain, go to bed too late, neglect cleaning toilets. I live tired. Afraid. Anxious. Weary. Years, I feel it in my veins, the pulsing of ruptured hopes. Would I ever be enough, find enough, do enough? But this morning, I wake wildly wanting to live.....Is that the message of nightmares and dreams? To live either fully alive....or in empty nothingness? It's the in between that drives us mad. It's the life in between, the days of waking lifeless, the years calloused and simply going through the hollow motions, the self protecting by self-distracting, the body never waking, that's lost all capacity to fully feel-this is the life in between that makes us the wild walking dead....

We only enter into the full life if our faith gives thanks."

~Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts, ch 2

I have felt like the walking dead at times. Invisible person endlessly trying to slay all that my flesh demands, mechanically reaching arm into washing machine to place clothes in the dryer that will be dried, folded, worn and thrown right back into this very washer. Monotony. Futility. So it would seem. Unless---I can do it with thankful heart for another day to live and breathe with husband and children who wear the clothes and machines to lighten the load and home for us to be dressed in and yard for us to get dirty in. When I purpose to give thanks for everything, in everything, my eyes open to a world of wonder...grace...joy. This is real, for me today.

Fully living because I'm fully thankful.

And so, #11-20, and counting....

~To be happy, honk. Words to live by.

~Classical music. Instant relaxation.

~Warm legs for cold feet

~Faithful man with big hugs

~Health, wholeness, safety under His wings

~Late night reading, side by side

~Being called "Mama"

~5 siblings in the snow

~Young men with soft hearts

~Heart shaped light reflecting, reminding me to love